Little known fact about me, that I’m now sharing with all 10 of my blog readers.
I honestly can say that I loathe myself. Ever since I was young, I remember disliking myself. Finding flaw and fault with everything I am and do. So knowing that, you can see that it’s quite easy for me to get negative about things.
After a three-month stint with a fun but flawed organization, we both agreed not to renew my contract with them. It came down to me needing things – benefits, more hours, better pay – that they were unable to provide. Which means I’m job hunting again. Sigh.
Job hunting gives most people a lot of time and opportunity to reflect upon themselves. You’re looking at your resume and remembering your past jobs. You’re looking at job postings and trying to figure out if it would be a good fit. You’re writing cover letters highlighting the skills and assets you could offer.
Unfortunately for me, self-reflection often leads to something I call “hate spiralling”. It starts small and related to jobs and careers, usually something alongs the lines of:
“Why didn’t things work out at this job…yet again”
then goes to:
“Is there something wrong with me, that I can’t seem to find a job that I love and can stay at for a while?”
naturally moving to:
“Maybe I’m just in the wrong career?”
then leaping to:
“Nope, it’s me and I’m broken. I must be so incredibly stupid not to be able to make this work for me.”
which, after a period of an hour or so (including at least 345 mL of tears) usually ends with:
“and my FEET!! My feet are so small and stupid. I HATE my feet.”
So as you can see, it takes a very logical route from questioning my career and job history to hating every single thing about myself.
The most frustrating part is that I know how counterproductive it is. And yet it’s this awful cycle that I go through. It makes me hard to be around too, which is the worst because I need my friends and loved ones as support.
Which brings me to the one positive thing I do hold onto – my loved ones. Since the moment I first expressed my frustrations about my job situation, I have had friends from all over sending me jobs they find. It takes them little time, but makes my heart swell like the Grinch’s heart when he hears the Whos down in Whoville singing even after he stole their Christmas presents. The friends have helped me keep my head above the negative waters threatening to drown me.
I’m sure there will be more blog posts about job hunting, but I wanted to make sure that my first post was a huge thank you to all the people who have been helping me thus far. Your support and love is very much appreciated.
(My blog titles, even the emo ones like this, are song titles. This one is “Within and Without” by Washed Out.)