Within and Without…

Little known fact about me, that I’m now sharing with all 10 of my blog readers.

I honestly can say that I loathe myself. Ever since I was young, I remember disliking myself. Finding flaw and fault with everything I am and do. So knowing that, you can see that it’s quite easy for me to get negative about things.

After a three-month stint with a fun but flawed organization, we both agreed not to renew my contract with them. It came down to me needing things – benefits, more hours, better pay – that they were unable to provide. Which means I’m job hunting again. Sigh.

Job hunting gives most people a lot of time and opportunity to reflect upon themselves. You’re looking at your resume and remembering your past jobs. You’re looking at job postings and trying to figure out if it would be a good fit. You’re writing cover letters highlighting the skills and assets you could offer.

Unfortunately for me, self-reflection often leads to something I call “hate spiralling”. It starts small and related to jobs and careers, usually something alongs the lines of:

“Why didn’t things work out at this job…yet again”

then goes to:

“Is there something wrong with me, that I can’t seem to find a job that I love and can stay at for a while?”

naturally moving to:

“Maybe I’m just in the wrong career?”

then leaping to:

“Nope, it’s me and I’m broken. I must be so incredibly stupid not to be able to make this work for me.”

which, after a period of an hour or so (including at least 345 mL of tears) usually ends with:

“and my FEET!! My feet are so small and stupid. I HATE my feet.”

So as you can see, it takes a very logical route from questioning my career and job history to hating every single thing about myself.

The most frustrating part is that I know how counterproductive it is. And yet it’s this awful cycle that I go through. It makes me hard to be around too, which is the worst because I need my friends and loved ones as support.

Which brings me to the one positive thing I do hold onto – my loved ones. Since the moment I first expressed my frustrations about my job situation, I have had friends from all over sending me jobs they find. It takes them little time, but makes my heart swell like the Grinch’s heart when he hears the Whos down in Whoville singing even after he stole their Christmas presents. The friends have helped me keep my head above the negative waters threatening to drown me.

I’m sure there will be more blog posts about job hunting, but I wanted to make sure that my first post was a huge thank you to all the people who have been helping me thus far. Your support and love is very much appreciated.

(My blog titles, even the emo ones like this, are song titles. This one is “Within and Without” by Washed Out.)

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8 thoughts on “Within and Without…

  1. Carla says:

    Job hunting can be one of the most stressful experiences out there. I think a lot of what makes it so hard is that it is precisely so *personal*. You can be the most experienced, ideal candidate in the world, but if you don’t click with an interviewer (or your coworkers/larger organization) on a personal level, then it’s often straight back to the drawing board.

    It’s easy to go from the bummed out stage that something didn’t work out to wondering if there’s something wrong with yourself – I think all of us have been there!

    Wishing you all the best of luck with your search. 🙂

  2. Paige says:

    Wow, can I ever relate, Hilary! In fact, I seem to relate to most of your posts – Haha.

    But anyways, I went through the exact same downward spiral of self-loathing and depression before I got my job at GENIVAR. And even now, I’m always on the lookout for bettter-fitting opportunities.

    And I have to say, that period of depression and misery was a bit selfish (on my part), and it took a HUGE toll on my relationship with John and with my close friends.

    My one piece of advice (if it interests you) is to keep busy with hobbies and focus on all the great things in your life that have nothing to do with work. Because if you think about it, your job is just one part of your life – and all those other parts need TLC too.

    It was advice that was given to me, and it has certainly changed my outlook for the better. That being said, I wish you all the luck in your job search! And I’ll keep an eye out for postings for you 🙂

    • hilarydarrah says:

      I’m glad you could relate! I’ve found more than a few people who told me that they know exactly how I feel, which makes me happy I wrote a post about this.

      I definitely have been fighting to overcome that negativity, so it doesn’t harm my relationship or my friendships. As I said in my posts, they’ve all been so amazing, so me being wallowy and weepy over my current difficult situation doesn’t make anything better.

      I’ve definitely been trying to stay busy and still do things I love. Thanks for the advice!

  3. Barbara says:

    I think there would be something wrong with you if you DIDN’T go through a time of intense self examination when transitioning from one job to another. Leaving something behind, even when it is for the right reason always leave you with a tiny doubt and so many questions. Your field is one where transition is endemic. So you are actually very brave to continue to seek out a place in that world. The rest of us cower in “safe” soul sucking jobs while you are out there on the tight rope living out our dreams. Trade offs, I guess. Your friends and loved ones are truly there for you; never for get that! We hold the net.

    • hilarydarrah says:

      I love hyperboleandahalf too! I actually forgot about her hate-spiral post, but I do remember reading it when it first came out. I hope she doesn’t get mad I used the same term… 😉

      You’re a PR girl with two cats?! We’re clearly cut from the same cloth 🙂 Thanks for checking out and commenting on my blog!

  4. Kathleen says:

    Hi, I just found your blog. I’d have to say from my quick read that it appears you have a lot of awesome things going for you. I struggle a lot with self-doubt, so my best advice is to ignore the little voices that tell you can’t do something or your not talented enough. Job hunting is tough and often leaves us feeling deflated. Hang in there. Good luck with your job search.

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