Daydream…

Frequently in life we face decisions that are forks in the road. We have to spend time reflecting on them and weighing pros and cons of one choice over the other. Then we make a choice and proceed down that path. But do you ever wonder about what your life would have been had you chosen the other route? Would you end up on the same path later on? Would you take a wildly different direction with your life?

I read a lot of Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books as a child and I was never satisfied with JUST my adventure. I’d go back and see what would happen if I made different choices, until usually I’d just give up and read the book front to back to learn all the options. Perhaps that’s why at this moment in my life, I’m reflecting on the different choices I’ve made.

I dislike thinking of life experiences in terms of good and bad. I believe – perhaps naively – that everything that happens to me is something I can learn from and grow as a human being. So typically I don’t reflect on the path I didn’t take. I don’t like to spend too much thought or time dwelling on things I cannot change or undo. And it doesn’t change the fact that I’m very satisfied by and happy with the path I’m on.

But today, I just can’t help but wonder.

(How long do I explain this for? My blog titles are song titles. This one is “Daydream” by Youth Lagoon.)

Comeback Kid…

If you’re even remotely observant, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve prepared a three-part excuse.

Part One: I’m more into quality than quantity. I don’t like forcing a post just because I haven’t posted in a while. I could have continued with my Ex Libris book posts, I suppose, but I suspect that my handful of email subscribers probably would have unsubscribed due to the quantity of trashy romance novels I read over the summer. Don’t judge.

Part Two: How many millennial musings blogs does the world need? I didn’t want to be a total cliché of my generation. But then I thought, the world NEEDS to know my thoughts on things, amirite?

Part Three: TMI. Over the past few months the major things happening in my life – things that normally inspire writing – have been so personal. Unlike other millennials, I try to refrain from oversharing my personal life. Tidbits are fine but I don’t want my blog to be too Dear Diary. Especially when events involve other people and it’s not my place to involve them either.

So today I’m back, for now.

(My blog titles are STILL song titles. Today’s is “Comeback Kid” by Sleigh Bells.)

Battle Scars…

A month ago I was getting ready in G’s bathroom in the morning, when I looked down at my scar.

“Have you noticed how much my scar has faded?” I called out, as I walked over to show him.

“Yeah, I noticed yesterday it was looking a lot lighter,” he replied. “That’s good!”

I went back into the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. G came in and kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly. As I tried not to cry.

The scar is fading, but the emotions are definitely still raw.

Confusion. When I initially woke up in my bed, not knowing why I was upstairs, or why my sweater was melted, or why I couldn’t remember anything from the past hour.

Fear. When I silently cried, trying to not wake up my elderly roommate, in my hospital bed after everyone left and I was alone for the first time. I knew I was on the cusp of a turning point but I had no idea what lay before me.

Frustrations. Every time the bus was late or I was late for the bus, because I felt fine and had a car, but just knew I shouldn’t drive because I made I promise I wouldn’t. When I didn’t get answers after medical tests. What I still feel today.

Worry. Almost daily concerns that I may have another one, in public or while driving. And for my future, when I want to have a baby but am terrified that stresses from that major life upheaval will trigger something.

Happiness. For now. Because the scar is fading. And every day I’m seizure-free is another day I can put between me and “that” day.

365 and counting…

scar

(My blog titles are song titles. This is “Battle Scars” by Chemical Brothers, which seems fitting considering I also picked a Chemical Brothers song for my first post about this, here: https://hilarydarrah.com/2012/03/19/the-pills-will-help-you-now/)

Ex Libris – The Turn of the Screw

screwIt’s time for another Ex Libris post. I find I’m reading less these days, which I don’t like. I love technology and I love the internet; there’s so many ways it’s changed my life. But it’s also become a competition for my time and attention. So I went looking for a shorter story to read, something I could sit down and finish in an hour or two.

Which brings me to The Turn of the Screw.

Written in 1898 by Henry James, this is a ghost story novella and it has resided on my “Must Read” list for sometime. As always, I purchased the killer Penguin version because why would you buy any other version??

The story is about a young governess in charge of two children, who begins to see ghosts. There is ambiguity in the text, leaving it up to the readers to determine whether she is truly being haunted or if she has gone insane.

“No, no—there are depths, depths! The more I go over it, the more I see in it, and the more I see in it, the more I fear. I don’t know what I don’t see—what I don’t fear!” 

― Henry James, The Turn of the Screw

New Year…

Well it’s that time of year again, when I reflect on the passing year. I read over the other three New Year’s Pro/Con lists I’ve made and this year’s Con list was by far the shortest. And it’s about damn time.

2012 Cons:

  1. The great job I had in the fall of 2011 had potential. I was originally hired as a PR person but the job ended up being 90% delivery driving. I offered to help them out on a day they were short and it slowly turned into the majority of my job. Then when I voiced my concerns to the manager, I was told that this wasn’t a corporate job and that I shouldn’t expect to do only one role within the organization. I didn’t like the daily risk of driving a van and making deliveries when I wasn’t even making enough to pay for medical insurance, so I left.
  2. So sadly, in 2012 I experience a few more months of joblessness. In the middle of that was a fun 2-month contract with a local magazine, which I really enjoyed. So at least it was broken up this time. It also didn’t last as long as in previous years.
  3. And finally, my seizure in March. The fact I’ll never know what happened in that hour I was out. The scar on my arm that is a constant reminder that my brain betrayed me.

2012 Pros:

  1. But my seizures didn’t come back. And it’s been almost 10 months without even a partial seizure, and I’m not on any medications to prevent them either. Hopefully, that’s all this will ever be. An unfortunate experience that caused me a few months of anxiety and never comes back again.
  2. After only a month (this time) of unemployment, I got a fantastic new job that was exactly what I needed for my career. Sadly it’s a contract position – one year – so even though I know they like me, I may not get to stay on past the end date.
  3. In 2012 I got to go to Coachella for the first time. I’ve never been so hot or sweaty before (outside of a sauna) but it was so much fun. The only downside is how expensive it is, which kinda prevents travelling anywhere else. We have tickets for 2013 but depending on the line-up, we might end up going to a different festival so we can go on two vacations next year instead.
  4. One thing I’ve been particularly proud of is my increased love of food and cooking. I’ve always been a baker, but a picky palate and child-like hatred of vegetables tended to keep my cooking down to only a few dishes (mostly cheese and carbs). Through G, I’ve discovered a real love for food, my palate has totally expanded and I’ve gotten to be a pretty decent cook. I’m watching for some classes to take to really expand my skills, but even in the past year it’s funny to see the recipes I take on that I would have thought too complicated only a few years earlier.
  5. And finally, everything with G is still wonderful 🙂

Even before I wrote this post, I knew the Pro list would be longer. Despite those few cons, there was a prevailing sense of happiness and contentedness to my life that hasn’t been there for quite some time, or possibly ever since my 20’s started. I go into the new year with a happy heart and more optimism than ever before.

I hope your 2012 treated you well and I wish nothing but good things to you all in 2013.

(My blog titles are song titles. This one is “New Year” by Beach House – one of my favourite artists.)